Normal Pants

2022-12-03 - Updated 2023-07-12

 All I wanted was a normal pair of sweatpants. Until recently I never thought finding one would be so impossible. Everybody else at the mall seemed content buying their little trinkets and gizmos and products, but I was on the hunt for something practical. Something reasonable. Not something perfect--I just wanted plain grey sweatpants, with elastic ankles and pockets. But ugh, God forbid, I, a female, want pockets. I searched for hours, yet None of the women's pants had pockets. And, you know, I have a theory, they did this on purpose. You know why? It’s so that the women will buy more purses. Of course. That's how it's always been. Give the men good products, scam the women.         

Anyway, back to the issue of the day. You wouldn’t believe the amount of absolutely ridiculous, nonsense stuff they market as “sweatpants.” Do they not see the demand for… normal, human clothing? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have never seen someone interested in buying a pair of neon yellow sweatpants with red checker print, adorned with quotes from The Lorax. Now that I say it, of course you'll want to buy it. But men, keep in mind--that's not gonna get you any chicks. At least, not me. Just wear something normal. But then again, I can't blame you if you can't find something normal in these stores. I certainly couldn't. I absolutely refuse to buy what they're selling. These… so-called “normal” pants with fake pockets, zipper pockets, ankle pockets, pants with ten pockets down each leg. Sparkly pants, pants with holes down the sides, pants that look like the quilt my grandma made me when I was seven. It’s absolutely nuts!         

But the one time I almost found the pair, the best pair: I turned them around, and found skeleton hands gingerly cupping the buttocks.That was the last straw. That is why I have given up on this hunt. Companies: take a step back, take a look at yourself. Take a look, and say, “Hmm, is a half-ripped no-seam velvet-lined button-closure sweatpant with flared bottoms and knee guards really something the customers will buy?” Hmm. perhaps not.